autism and that time i groped somebody

Creeps blaming their creepiness on autism is the worst.

After James Damore and Geoffrey MillerDon Burke blames the “terrible failing” of autism for his apparent creepiness and eugenic imperfection:

Um…it’s not like that.

Autism makes you kinda clueless sometimes. It doesn’t make you some kind of lifelong nightmare to the women around you.

Here’s my story of autism and groping someone, to illustrate the kernel of truth and how far they’re abusing it.

A lot of getting bullied in childhood was about making sure I know that I’m sexually worthless and the idea of someone being attracted to me is a joke. Someone briefly pretending to be my girlfriend for the purpose of humiliating me happened to me TWICE, in 5th and 9th grade. At the start of every school year, I’d think, “THIS year I’ll get a girlfriend” and then of course I wouldn’t. I remember keeping track of how long it had been since I’d gotten a hug.

I had a huge crush on a particular person throughout high school. A mutual friend was going through great drama surrounding coming out and his attraction to a closeted-seeming Christian guy. I was the last to be aware that any of that was going on, in typical oblivious fashion. We’ve established that I have less-than-perfect gaydar.

So one day, while she was standing in front of a whiteboard or something, I observed my didn’t-know-he’s-gay-yet friend walk up and greet her with a pat on the us. I walked up and repeated the gesture, getting a very different WTF reaction. I immediately apologized and didn’t do that ever again. I’d basically known better. She was always more of a friend-of-a-friend than directly in my circle, but we got along and I respected that she was dating creeps or whatever. That’s the end of the story.

Childhood is like that. You fuck up and hopefully learn not to keep doing that by adulthood. This is expected.

If anything, autism has had the opposite effect of what these douchebags are claiming. I can’t just read women’s inner conflicts off their bodies. No DOES in fact mean yes, ALL THE TIME. Nothing is more common than seeing teenagers after school, where the boys are doing something obnoxious and the girls are like stoooooop but not really. If you actually stop, you’re some kind of eunuch that’s afraid of girls.

When you’re attracted to someone, you want them to have tender feelings for you. It’s actually heartbreaking if they think you’re some kind of perverted creepazoid, to the point where it’s better for everyone if you just don’t go there.


I totally watched that show on AFN, when I was in middle school. It was selected by the federal government as part of what’s entertaining for Our Troops and Their Families overseas!

Given the realities of #MeToo and your own social status, it’s almost like not approaching someone is a gesture of caring. It’s a kindness. That’s a sad thing to say, but it’s true. It’s not even the same thing as low self-esteem. It’s an assessment of how tone-deaf flirting, on the part of you, with the eye contact all wrong, would be perceived. Worse, approaching someone out of your league might be disconcerting for them, because what if they are in the same league as you, and that’s why you’re approaching them, instead of just not caring about leagues. It’s impossible to realistically imagine the feelings being reciprocated in many cases, and ’tis nobler to walk away.

It’s awesome that researchers are starting to empirically demonstrate how normal people are insta-creeped out by us and don’t want to be our friends, upon first impression. It seems to be near-automatic. Whether or not normal people admit this, it absolutely affects our experience of going out in the world. It’s like that whether we hate ourselves or not.

That’s how much theory-of-mind can go into being a 40 year old virgin. Being afraid of girls IS social skills. If you’re a normal person reading this, imagine you still understand how the world works, but you wake up one day and people are much more opaque to you. Much of what you now read off of people, you have to guess, and devote conscious time and attention to guessing while everything happens around you. Do you dare play some delicate boundary-crossing game with someone you can’t tell if they want to play at all? Assume your basic sense of decency and respect for other people remains intact. It’s not social retardation. Normal people just never thought of themselves in that situation so it seems crazy and pathetic to act like us.

It’s actually an ethical and correct way to live, which is self-defeating only because women don’t reward it. If you have a polite conversation with a woman about some abstract intellectual topic. it’s “asexual”, or taken to be. It’s like you’re being retarded and literal-minded by taking a conversation about political philosophy to be a conversation about political philosophy and not directly a sex-negotiation thing. Actually, having those conversations and really getting to know how someone thinks is conducive to a type of empathy and emotional connection that’s actually healthy to associate with sex. If you really do become close, eventually you’re close enough that you can directly talk about your feelings for each other. This is a sound and respectful way of meeting people, which will be taken by a lot of women as a disappointing lack of interest that actually hurts them.