sex-negative feminism is hot

Over on Reddit’s Gender Critical sub, there was an Andrea Dworkin thread. Some guy wrote some #NotAllMen blah blah blah stuff, and I was annoyed and wrote a response before the comment was deleted.

Unabashed_Calabash wrote a long, awesome reply, but it’s buried deep in the thread.

I wish more men–and women–would understand that radical feminism is trying to make our sex lives better. I mean, that the liberation of women from male rule AND the liberation of men from the expectation of ruling will have the awesome side effect of making all of our sex lives better.

I noticed that some of the French women who signed the letter condemning the metoo hashtag campaign talked about the “savagery” of male sexuality, and I’ve seen lib fems say the same sort of things when defending BDSM and porn, that we “sometimes go to dark places” in our sexuality and need to be able to “act it out” and that it’s “so often repressed” that it comes out in sexuality…

HOW IS IT SO OFTEN REPRESSED? I see it EVERYWHERE. All the fucking time. It’s NOT repressed. AT ALL.

We’re so inundated with male sexual violence, in media and movies (not to mention our LIVES–like many women, I’ve been assaulted countless times, I literally can’t count them, it would take too long), that seeing a representation of non-violent, reciprocal sexuality would really stand out to me (I can’t actually think of an example right now).


If anything, “vanilla-shaming” or “prude-shaming” (I think someone on here coined “boundary-shaming”) is more common than “kink-shaming.”…

So, no, people who behave in ways which are amoral or immoral are not more “exciting,” and illicit and immoral sexual behavior is neither repressed (which it should be; instead, it’s encouraged) nor “exciting.” To me, male interest in young girls, or a desire to sexually abuse another person (as we see in porn, and as so many men act out with their partners), are indicative of moral and emotional immaturity.

So, I find “kink” and porn and all that ultimately really boring, and also not particularly transgressive within a sexist world, and within the context of the rampant sexual abuse of girls and women. “Sex-positive” sex–pro-porn, pro-prostitution, pro-BDSM, pro male-centered sex, anti-female boundaries–is not “positive” at all and is really boring. The most transgressive thing these days is to make love, to really connect with your partner, to declare that sex should be sacred, that sex should not be casual, should not be for sale, and that we should take care of each other’s bodies and boundaries–that well-being should be sacrosanct, that mutuality, reciprocity, respect, connection, affection, should be our touchstones–this is transgressive.

Really good emotionally connecting sex is also way more interesting, and, in general, when it comes to human nature, the moral struggles of everyday people to be good are more interesting than the deeds of bad men.

I wish more people understood that ending female oppression would lead to better sex. It frustrates me to no end.

All of this is true. This was the other reply to my comment, which was about white guys calling things “divisive”:

Yep. It’s also a very common tactic among self-proclaimed “egalitarians” and “humanists” (read: anti-feminist angry males who think women should kiss their feet and stop complaining about being treated like fucking shit).

They’ll whine: “This is exactly what the Powers That Be want. They want to separate men and women because divide-and-conquer is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Why are we fighting? This isn’t good for anyone. No one is happy. [teary smiley]”

and they’ll usually add a sentence at the end that completely gives away their shitastic agenda and fuckassery: “It’s easier if we just go back to traditional dating.”

Translation: “I’m very unhappy that I’m losing my privilege and that people don’t want to do things MY WAY. It’s surprising that people don’t put up with my appalling behavior since everything I do should by default be admired, appreciated, and respected. Why should I self-reflect? It’s not like I ever did it before. Let’s hold hands and sing Kumbaya while we chase butterflies and ignore suffering so I don’t have to lift a finger unless it’s to point to what other people are doing wrong because it’s never my fault!!!! ME ME ME ME ME!! WWWWAAAAHHHHHH”

Fucking losers.

That’s hot. How could somebody share my values and way of looking at the world and not hate men? I’d feel more secure in a relationship where my partner hates the patriarchy instead of pressuring me to be the patriarchy. If that’s happening, it’s only a matter of time before I’m left for someone better at acting that way.

Given that most people expose themselves to the media enough that expressing their beliefs is kind of like gaslighting me, someone who doesn’t do that is like a rare unicorn.

The emotional and intellectual connection is a precondition for the sex to be a good experience instead of an alienating one.